I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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