So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You smell like stripper and shame
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
His nipple licking is glorious
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