Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
