I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
