I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
