Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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