I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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