Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
