How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
