My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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