im holly from the hills drunk
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
