need another drink. this is the easiest way
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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