If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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