Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
