I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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