nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
God, I missed his penis.
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