Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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