there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
