My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
