Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
