I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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