my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
