fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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