i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
