someone owes me an orgasm
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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