Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
