I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize