you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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