Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
