i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
