I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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