i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
