I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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