just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
