i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
