some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize