Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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