Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
