Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
