Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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