Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
