the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
