The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
