My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
