I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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