im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
