Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
