I heard we made out
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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