I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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