If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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