so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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