A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
