WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i think i scared a bird with my dick
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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