Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
