What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
