Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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