Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
