The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
